The Happiness Hypothesis (P1)

We are all in Pursuit of Happiness advertently or inadvertently. Whether we are actively seeking more money, popularity, a slimmer figure, a purposeful life in order to be more fulfilled or meet expectations… the end result is because we believe that it will make us happier.

We often believe that ‘if only’ we had that car, that job, that house, lost weight, got that contract, then we will be happy. This thinking is a two-fold problem:

• Firstly this is BS and you know it because the goalpost will keep shifting. Happiness is created within and your sense of self is not dependent on your net-worth or your dress size.
• Secondly we know in order to succeed we need to embrace the process and often have heard words of wisdom surrounding ‘enjoying the journey vs the end result’ – this is true but still leaves me asking how.

There are so many positive thinking quotes and heart-felt sentiments available but I need tools. I believe you can deliberately and mindfully pursue happiness in your daily life. It is available and ours to seize. Sounds obvious – but do you give yourself permission to be abundantly happy? It is a choice. Actively. Choose. Happiness.

We are ever evolving, and this is a work in progress but I wanted to share with you what has been working for me in the here and now.

Identify and get rid of the imposed ‘Should’s’; living up to society’s imposed values is never going to bring you lasting joy. The source of our happiness is within us, and we harness it internally not externally. Look out for when you feel you ought to do something, and ask yourself if that is something you truly believe and if it is going to energise you or deplete you? When we look outside of ourselves for validation or perfection we negate the wonder within us. You only need to live by your own values to be fulfilled, no one else can fill your bucket.  Own that you are responsible to water yourself, to allow yourself to grow.

Recognising the value within yourself. Sometimes you are in such a dark place and filled with hopelessness that it is hard to get out of bed and ‘looking on the bright side’ is an inane concept.  In my recovery from depression my coach suggested I acknowledge and write down 3 things I did successfully that day. Initially it is a struggle to find even 1 thing and 3 is a stretch. But do it anyway; even if it is just:

1. getting out of bed after 3rd snooze
2. getting kids to school
3. paying electricity bill

It takes small steps to build yourself up again.  Do this every evening before going to bed and in time you will start the day on a better note. You won’t see it coming, it will suddenly happen. Just like you didn’t see yourself falling into the abyss in the first place. Persist with this, it pays off. Make it a daily practice and before you know it the successes will be flowing and you will find a bounce in your step. When you celebrate the small things over a period of time, it becomes automatic and your carry a sense of achievement with you. This allows you to build on your sense of self; creating self-love. It sounds so painfully simple but it has pulled me out of a hole time and time again. Try it.

We unknowingly harbour self-limiting beliefs.  Your behaviour will give you insight into your beliefs and if we can shine a light on them and bring our awareness to it we can shift our thinking. We all have that voice in our head that holds us back; ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘it’s too difficult’, ‘with the good comes the bad’, ‘if you laugh too much you will cry’ (ludicrous that I grew up believing that!!) – the negative self-talk is sometimes so deeply ingrained that we don’t even notice it. The way to change it is to unearth each individual belief and to tackle each independently; bring it to the surface and see how that belief does not serve you and find the opposite in order to dispel it. For example; I believed that ‘I need to keep up relationships and see my friends frequently in order to have a deep meaningful friendship’. This can’t be true, because as adults and parents we have demanding lives and aren’t our friends there to support and build us up not demand more of us?? So we need to turn this belief on its head and recognise that this thinking comes from our school going years where we are still approval seeking and trying to ‘fit in’. Whereas at the current stage in our lives ‘the depth of our relationships comes from our shared values and mutual love and respect for each other’. This allows me now to feel secure and valued in my relationships.

Shifting Perspectives – moving to a place where you are wanting what you have not having what you want. In the simplest form the act of mindfulness is being present and embracing the current space you are in. Some people meditate but I make lists – I pour out everything that’s in my brain on a piece of paper and free space in my mind (see mind dump). I reflect on things that hurt and see how they may have benefitted me then actively highlight the moments I am grateful. I allow myself to sit with an uncomfortable feeling if I need to or a feeling of wellbeing that gratitude brings. This allows for a genuine internal shift, it moves you from the constantly seeking to being present and seeing your current position from a balanced lens.

This is where I am at for now… remember that any new behaviour has a steep learning curve and requires repetition to eventually run on autopilot. Also there will be setbacks, we all stumble. Wallow if you must, allow yourself time to own the discomfort and appreciate the situation you are in but don’t be downtrodden too long… pull out your bag of tools! Shift your viewpoint, see how the situation serves you and push on. There are no quick fixes, happiness is a practice.