Yoga and I have had a long troubled journey where our relationship fizzled out years ago. No matter how hard I persevered, it didn’t feel right, it felt forced and pretentious – we just didn’t have chemistry, or so I thought. But here I am surprised to find myself right back in it, rekindling the affair. Most unexpectedly 2017 has brought me back to the yoga mat, with what I think had been missing all these years; an open heart and open mind.
My very dear friend had been trying to draw me in since the the opening of the lovely haven, Total Chi. But you can only embrace this journey back to the mat when your heart and mind are truly open – it is not so much about the body it turns out.
I started my yoga journey in my early 20s in some beginners after work studio class – it was the new age thing to do back then. My then body was going with the trend, seeing it as a form of exercise, of being holistic and catering to my longevity. I don’t even remember loving the process – I think it was about challenging my body into positions and ticking a box. Moving to London, I found myself living near TriYoga Primrose hill, it was the prefect sanctuary where newly married and unemployed me found yoga again – it seemed like the virtuous thing to do. Similarly I went back again with each pregnancy because it was what an aspiring ‘good’ yummy-mummy-to-be should do. I don’t recalled being vested but yet I persevered because I met some inspirational teachers – and I wanted to be like them, who I aspired to be like. Yet I was often frustrated with my body and my lack of progress to ‘move up’ to an intermediate class. The closing of TriYoga Primrose brought the end of my journey. Mind you I did intermittently try other studios and I’d say they never felt right, even though the environment plays a huge part I think I carried a huge chip on my shoulder – I was jealous of the positions other people could hold with their bodies when I assumed their journeys were just in their infancy stages… why couldn’t I do that head stand / hand stand…etc. Forgetting that, that was their journey, I begrudge them and decided yoga just wasn’t for me – I allowed negativity and stagnation to set in by carrying around comparison and judgement in a place where only light and flow belonged. When self-acceptance happens is where my journey with my yoga mat would begin.
Funny though how we may look at the person next to us doing a crow or the perfect balanced half moon and feel envious of their flexibility and precision – when in fact the heart of our yoga practice is the relationship with the self and reaching the point of resistance and allowing yourself to soften and be grateful within it. This is were the growth happens.
I see now it wasn’t them, it was me – I didn’t have an open heart. Perhaps for me it was about age, experience or just bad timing but now 15 years later I find myself back to the beginning of my journey – this time learning to come to the mat with serenity, with compassion for myself and gratefulness for my body. Learning what it truly means to set an intention. Don’t get me wrong, in the first few sessions I was competitive and wanted to show I hadn’t forgotten the shapes my body knew how to make but quickly by genuinely listening to the words of the aspiring yogis around me I have taken a step back and am learning to tune into my body. Listening to the inner voice that has been shut-down by all the ‘shoulding’ around us.
In hindsight I’m grateful to the then me for I learned the basics which allowed me to jumpstart my journey back to the mat this time round. Next steps are to truly build strength and confidence in my practise to create my own flow to carry along in my heart.
Superfit Superfly 